As the Houston marriage counselor, I hear complaints all the time from clients feeling like they’re not having enough sex: “We’re just not as intimate as we used to be,” “She’s never interested,” or “He says he’s too stressed.” If you feel like sex and passion are missing from your relationship, here is some relationship advice that my Houston marriage counselor clients have found helpful.
Have sex earlier. Too many people buy into the idea that sex has to be an end-of-day activity. The problem is, after work and kids (and probably TV and reading) a lot of people just end up feeling too tired. There’s a simple solution, though: change your routine. Have sex in the morning. Or as soon as you get home. As a bonus, doing it when you’re still awake will likely make it more energetic and more fun!
Compromise your body clocks for twice as much sex. Research has shown that men are generally more ready to go in the morning, whereas women tend to hit their peak in the evening. Often this will lead to arguing between couples, but my solution is to say that you’re both right – make a rule that you’ll have morning sex at least once a week and do the same for evening sex. Not only do you both get what you want, you might just find that you have sex more often because of it!
Communicate to get what you want. Sometimes people start having sex less because they don’t get exactly what they need from their partner. Unfortunately, hearing that you aren’t the best lover to your partner can be a knock to the ego, so my relationship advice is to give positive reinforcement. When your partner does something you like, make sure he or she knows, and try to lead them to similar activities by praising the good they are doing.
It doesn’t always have to be special. I can’t tell you how many of my Houston marriage counselor clients will complain of times when their wife refused them sex because she hadn’t shaved. Or their husband begged off because he hadn’t showered that day. And this is often after they were both getting hot and heavy with each other – and then one of them suddenly backed off. A bit of free relationship advice: if you’re both into it, go for it! Wanting it to be special is great, but in a long term relationship, that just isn’t realistic all the time.
Schedule sex. I know it doesn’t sound romantic, but there are times when our lives are so busy that to get what we went, we’re going to have to plan for it and work to make sure it happens. Think of it as a shorter and more cut-to-the-chase version of date night.
Eat well and exercise. As we get older, it’s common for us to gain a few extra pounds and lose muscle tone, but unfortunately these things can make us feel less attractive, and that feeling can make us uncomfortable with the idea of sex. One surefire way to jumpstart your sex life and improve your overall quality of life is to make an effort to improve your diet and exercise more. You’ll feel more confident, and your spouse will feel like he or she is getting a new you.
If you are having trouble with intimacy in your relationship, I encourage you to seek help with the Houston marriage counselor.
UPCOMING EVENT: Group Therapy groups are forming for the week of March 13th: Couples, Men, and High School Students (coed). For specifics, please contact Damian Duplechain, Certified Group Psychotherapist.